My child’s friends keep making plans without them
By the Life Scenario team · Updated · For parents of children 8–14 · Friendship and being left out
Help your child ask one friend directly and in private: “I heard you’re going to the movies. Can I come next time?” That gets a real answer without a scene. If the answer is vague and it keeps happening, the friendship is changing, and your child needs other people to spend time with.
The situation, as your child sees it
You and your two closest friends always hang out on weekends. On Friday you overhear them planning the movies for tomorrow. You wait for someone to say “you’re coming too, right?” Nobody does.
On Monday there are photos. When you ask, one of them shrugs: “It was last-minute. Don’t take it personally.” It doesn’t feel last-minute.
Also happens as: a group chat you’re not in; weekend photos you weren’t in; a new ‘club’ with a members list.
Three things a child could say
Example replies, written for this page. They are not scored answers and not answers from real children.
- Ages 6–8
- “Can I come to the movies too?”
- Ages 9–11
- “I heard you’re going to the movies Saturday. Can I come?”
- Ages 12–14
- “Saw you’re doing the movies Saturday. Room for one more?”
Asked before the plan happens, in person, to one friend. It shows your child knows about the plan without accusing anyone of leaving them out.
- Ages 6–8
- “I felt sad when you went without me.”
- Ages 9–11
- “It’s happened a few times now. Is something up with us?”
- Ages 12–14
- “Not trying to make it weird, but I keep finding out after. Did I do something?”
After a pattern, not a one-off. A calm question to one friend usually gets a more honest answer than a group confrontation or an angry message in the chat.
- Ages 6–8
- “Okay. I’m going to play with Mia today.”
- Ages 9–11
- “Fair enough. I’m doing something with Jo this weekend anyway.”
- Ages 12–14
- “No stress, I’ll catch you guys next time.”
When the answer is “we just didn’t think of you”, your child keeps their dignity and turns toward someone else instead of pleading to be let back in.
What you can say next
- “Being left out by your own friends is one of the worst feelings. I’m glad you told me.”
- “Did you ask them, or did you guess? Let’s work out what you could ask.”
- “Who in your class is fun to be around but not in that group?”
- “You don’t have to fight to stay in a group that keeps doing this.”
If it keeps happening. If the group is also making comments, blocking your child from a chat to make a point, or telling others not to sit with them, it has moved past drifting apart. Tell the teacher what is happening, with dates if you have them, and ask how the school handles exclusion.
Questions parents ask
Should I call the other parents?
Rarely. Parents can’t make children include someone, and the call often gets back to the group. Save it for something specific and unkind, and even then the school is usually the better route.
How do I know if it’s drifting apart or deliberate exclusion?
Drifting apart is gradual, and your child is still greeted normally. Deliberate exclusion comes with signals: whispers, a chat they are pointedly not in, photos posted where they will see them.
My child wants to post that they don’t care. Should they?
No. A public post invites replies and screenshots. A private question to one friend, or doing something with someone else, is safer.
Is it my child’s fault?
Sometimes groups change because interests change, and nobody is at fault. It is still worth asking gently whether anything happened, such as an argument or a joke that landed badly.
Related situations
Sources
- Nemours KidsHealth — Helping kids cope with cliques (reviewed June 2023) (2023): Parents can help a child who feels left out by reminding them of times they were angry with friends or siblings and how quickly things changed, and by encouraging friendships with people they can confide in, laugh with and trust.
- Raising Children Network (Australia) — Children, friends and friendships: FAQs (2025): Primary-school children often have disagreements with friends and usually sort them out quickly; parents can listen first, suggest ideas such as playing in a larger group or role-playing saying sorry, and ask the teacher if it seems to be an ongoing problem. Not being invited to many parties is not in itself a cause for worry.
The example replies on this page were written by the Life Scenario team for illustration. They are not answers from children and are not scores.