“She always decides what we play”: what your child can say to a bossy friend
By the Life Scenario team · Published · For parents of children 6–14
What should my child say to a bossy friend?
Teach three calm lines: “Let’s take turns,” “I want to try my idea,” and “I’m going to play something else.” Practise them at home with you playing the bossy friend. If the friend never shares a turn, your child can play with someone else and still stay friends.
Key takeaways
- Most bossy friends have a plan and assume everyone wants it. Your child needs a friendly way into the plan.
- Three lines cover most days: one to share turns, one to put forward their own idea, and one to leave the game.
- The exit line matters most. A child who can walk away calmly is never stuck doing what someone else wants.
- Practise at home with you playing the bossy friend, including the pushback (“No, we’re doing mine”).
- Involve the teacher when it happens most days, or when bossing has turned into leaving your child out or putting them down.
Why “just tell her you don’t like it” rarely works
You usually hear about a bossy friend after school. She always picks the game. He makes the rules and changes them when he starts losing. Your child is always the baby, the dog or the goalkeeper. The usual advice is either “just tell her you don’t like it” or “then don’t play with her”. Both skip one fact: your child likes this friend.
“Tell her you don’t like it” asks a child to start a confrontation with someone louder and quicker than they are. Most children won’t, so they go along with it and come home cross. “Don’t play with her” costs them a friend they chose. What helps sits in between: short, friendly lines that ask for a fair share without an argument, and a calm way out if the friend says no.
It also helps to see bossiness for what it usually is. Many bossy children are keen organisers with strong ideas who haven’t learned to share control yet. A plain “Let’s take turns” often works better than parents expect, because nobody has asked before. Raising Children Network suggests role-play for exactly this kind of skill, such as taking turns to choose what game is played at recess.
5 things your child can say to a bossy friend
1.“Let’s take turns choosing. You pick, then me.”
Use it at the start of play, before anyone is annoyed. It accepts the friend’s choice this time and books your child’s turn next, so it doesn’t sound like a challenge.
2.“I want to try my idea this time.”
For when the friend has chosen every game all week. “I want” keeps it about your child’s wish rather than the friend’s faults, so there is less to argue with than “you always”.
3.“That’s not the rule we agreed.”
For the friend who changes the rules halfway through, usually when they start losing. Said once and calmly, it names the problem without calling anyone a cheat.
4.“Okay. I’m going to play something else.”
The exit line, for when the friend refuses every turn. Your child simply goes and does something fun, without sulking, and that often brings the friend round faster than arguing.
5.“Do you want to join me?”
Said a few minutes after the exit. It keeps the friendship open and shows the bossy friend that playing together works when both people get a say.
6 quick lines for the middle of the game
1.“My turn to be the leader.”
For pretend play and team games where one child always takes the main role. Short enough to say without stopping the game.
2.“Can I choose the next round?”
A question rather than a demand, which makes it easy for the friend to say yes without losing face in front of others.
3.“Hang on, I wasn’t finished.”
For the friend who grabs the pieces, the pen or the controller. It stops the takeover without an accusation.
4.“Let’s ask everyone.”
Useful in a group, where one child decides for four. Handing the choice to the whole group takes the power out of one voice.
5.“Let’s flip a coin.”
When two strong ideas clash and neither child will back down. Children accept luck more easily than they accept each other’s arguments.
6.“You do yours, I’ll do mine.”
For drawing, building or crafts, where the bossy friend keeps directing your child’s work. Both can carry on side by side.
What not to say (and what to say instead)
“Just tell her you don’t like it.”
“Try saying: ‘Let’s take turns choosing.’”
A concrete line is easier to say than a feeling, and it asks for a fix rather than starting an argument.
“Why do you let her boss you around?”
“What happened when you wanted to choose?”
The first sounds like blame; the second gets the story and shows you where a line would have helped.
“Then don’t play with her.”
“You can play with her and still say what you want.”
Most children want to keep the friend, so they need a way to stay and still be heard.
“She’s just a bossy little madam.”
“She has lots of ideas. You have ideas too.”
Labelling the friend makes tomorrow harder, and your child may repeat the label at school.
Your child: “You’re so bossy!”
Your child: “I want a turn to choose.”
Calling someone bossy starts a fight; asking for a turn usually gets a turn.
“I’ll have a word with her mum.”
“Let’s practise what you could say first.”
Children learn more from sorting it out themselves first, and parents stepping in early can make things awkward.
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
| “Just tell her you don’t like it.” | “Try saying: ‘Let’s take turns choosing.’” | A concrete line is easier to say than a feeling, and it asks for a fix rather than starting an argument. |
| “Why do you let her boss you around?” | “What happened when you wanted to choose?” | The first sounds like blame; the second gets the story and shows you where a line would have helped. |
| “Then don’t play with her.” | “You can play with her and still say what you want.” | Most children want to keep the friend, so they need a way to stay and still be heard. |
| “She’s just a bossy little madam.” | “She has lots of ideas. You have ideas too.” | Labelling the friend makes tomorrow harder, and your child may repeat the label at school. |
| Your child: “You’re so bossy!” | Your child: “I want a turn to choose.” | Calling someone bossy starts a fight; asking for a turn usually gets a turn. |
| “I’ll have a word with her mum.” | “Let’s practise what you could say first.” | Children learn more from sorting it out themselves first, and parents stepping in early can make things awkward. |
What do I say when my child comes home upset about a bossy friend?
Start with the story before any advice. “What did she want to play? What did you want?” helps your child find the exact moment they could have said something. Listen for whether it was one bad afternoon or the same pattern every day.
Then pick one line and practise it. You play the friend, and be a little bossy: “No, we’re doing MY game.” That way your child practises the exit line as well as the polite one. Swap roles once. Children often enjoy being the boss, and hearing the lines from the other side shows them how calm and ordinary they sound.
The next day, ask one question: “Did you get a turn to choose?” If yes, notice it. If not, ask what got in the way and adjust the line together. Small wins count: one turn a week is progress for a child who has never asked.
What if the lines don’t work?
What if the friend says “Then I’m not your friend”?
It is a common threat between 6 and 10, and it rarely lasts beyond the afternoon. Your child can say “Okay, I’ll be over here” and go and play. Most friends come back the next day; a friend who keeps using the threat is using it to stay in charge, and that is worth noticing.
What if this friend is the only one my child plays with?
Then the exit line feels risky, because leaving means playing alone. Help your child widen the circle: a playdate with someone new, a club, a neighbour. A child with a second friend finds it much easier to stand firm with the first.
When should I involve the teacher?
Bossiness is about who decides. Being deliberately left out, mocked or threatened is different. If it happens most days, or your child doesn’t want to go to school, ask the teacher what they see at recess and whether they can help the group take turns. Tell your child: if anyone hurts or scares you, tell a teacher or me, every time.
What if my child is the bossy one sometimes?
That is common: plenty of children are pushed around at school and bossy with a younger sibling, or the other way round. The same lines work in reverse. Practise “What do you want to play?” and “Your turn to choose.”
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
- 6–8
- Most bossiness is about pretend play and who gets which role. Keep it to one line and practise it with toys. Children this age take “you’re not my friend” literally, so tell them it usually passes by tomorrow.
- “You choose first, then it’s my turn.”
- 9–11
- Rules and teams matter more: who is captain, who picks sides, what counts as out. Your child can use a fairness line and a group line. The same friend may boss people around in the group chat or class WhatsApp too; the lines work there as well.
- “Let’s vote on it.”
- 12–14
- Bossiness can turn into control: who sits where, what to wear, who is in the group. Your child needs a firm line and permission to spend time with other friends. Help them judge whether the friendship still makes them feel good.
- “I’ll decide that myself, thanks.”
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Most bossiness is about pretend play and who gets which role. Keep it to one line and practise it with toys. Children this age take “you’re not my friend” literally, so tell them it usually passes by tomorrow. | “You choose first, then it’s my turn.” |
| 9–11 | Rules and teams matter more: who is captain, who picks sides, what counts as out. Your child can use a fairness line and a group line. The same friend may boss people around in the group chat or class WhatsApp too; the lines work there as well. | “Let’s vote on it.” |
| 12–14 | Bossiness can turn into control: who sits where, what to wear, who is in the group. Your child needs a firm line and permission to spend time with other friends. Help them judge whether the friendship still makes them feel good. | “I’ll decide that myself, thanks.” |
Key terms
- Bossy friend
- A child who usually decides what the group plays and how. Often a keen organiser who hasn’t learned to share control yet.
- Turn-taking line
- A short sentence that asks for a fair share (“You pick, then me”) without criticising anyone.
- Exit line
- A calm way to leave a game (“I’m going to play something else”) said calmly, without sulking.
- Controlling friendship
- When bossiness is about who is in or out, what someone may wear or who they can see. A reason to step in early.
Questions parents ask
What do I say to my child about a bossy friend?
Ask what happened before giving advice, then give one friendly line to try, such as “Let’s take turns choosing.” Practise it once with you as the friend. Avoid criticising the friend, because your child probably wants to keep them.
How do I teach my child to deal with a bossy friend?
Role-play. You play the bossy friend and your child tries a turn-taking line, then the exit line when you refuse. Swap roles once. A few short rehearsals help more than a long talk.
Should I tell my child to stop playing with a bossy friend?
Usually not. Most bossy friends are keen organisers, and your child can learn to ask for a fair share. Help them keep other friends too, so they are not dependent on one person.
Is a bossy friend the same as a bully?
No. A bossy friend wants to decide the game. Bullying is repeated, deliberate hurting: leaving someone out on purpose, mocking, threatening. If it has become that, involve the school.
Should I speak to the other child’s parents?
Usually not as a first step. It can make things awkward for your child and rarely changes playground behaviour. If there is a real problem at school, the teacher is the better person to raise it with.
When should I talk to the teacher about a bossy friend?
When it happens most days, your child is unhappy about going to school, or bossing has turned into exclusion or put-downs. Ask what the teacher sees and whether they can support turn-taking in the group.
Why does my child let other kids boss them around?
Often because they want to be liked and don’t have words ready in the moment. Giving them two or three practised lines, and permission to walk away, usually helps more than telling them to be braver.
Related
Sources
- Raising Children Network (Australia) — How to help your child make friends (2026): Suggests using role-play to help a child practise friendship skills, such as joining a game or taking turns to choose what game is played at recess, and making an appointment with the teacher if these ideas don’t seem to help.
- Raising Children Network (Australia) — Frenemies & toxic friendships: teenagers (2026): Advises giving a child the chance to sort out friendship problems themselves first, since it builds assertiveness and problem-solving; a child can practise what to say to a friend by role-playing it with a parent, and it is usually best not to confront the other child or call their parents.