“My child is having friendship problems”: where to start
Life Scenario team · Updated · Ages 6–14
How can I help my child with friendship problems?
Start with “Tell me what happened with your friend.” Different friendship problems need different responses: being left out, bossiness, a new best friend, fighting, and jealousy. Listen first, choose one next step together, and involve adults for threats or repeated harm.
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Key takeaways
- Ask about a recent event before deciding what the whole friendship means.
- A child can want company and still need a break from a particular friend.
- Use a short request for safe disagreements; adults handle repeated harm and threats.
- Help your child find chances to spend time with someone they like.
- A few days later, ask what actually changed.
Find the problem your child is trying to solve
“My friends hate me” can mean a canceled plan, weeks of exclusion, or an argument your child regrets. Sit beside them and ask what happened most recently. Who was there, what happened next, and is tomorrow worrying them? Leave room for a partial account; a tired child may need dinner before details. Child Mind Institute's advice on conflict is to deal with feelings first: while emotions are still intense, it is not the right time to solve the problem.
Then ask whether they want listening, help choosing a next step, or adult action. Go along with their choice where you can, but explain that you can't keep it a secret if they are unsafe. If someone is threatening, hurting, or repeatedly humiliating them, do not ask your child to negotiate their own protection. StopBullying.gov defines bullying by a power imbalance and by repetition, and that needs adults.
This page points you to a more specific guide. A good sentence can open a conversation between two friends who both want to fix things. It can't make a child kind or make a group accept your child. That part falls to adults: getting your child to activities they can join, talking to school, and noticing whether the plan is helping. If the problem is that friends have turned unkind, go to our guide for when friends are mean.
4 short lines for ordinary friendship moments
1.“Can we work this out?”
For a falling-out between two friends who both still want the friendship. It asks for a conversation without saying who was wrong, which is often what stops either child from going first.
2.“Can I join the next round?”
For a child standing at the edge of a game. Asking for the next round is a small request that is easy to grant. Have another activity in mind in case the answer is no.
3.“I want a turn choosing too.”
For a friendship where one child picks every game. It asks for a share and does not call the friend bossy, so the friend can agree without losing face.
4.“I need help with what's happening.”
For a teacher or parent, when the problem is repeated, frightening or too confusing to sort out alone. Your child does not need the right word for it before asking.
“Can we work this out?” is easier to say once it has been tried somewhere safe. In Life Scenario your child meets a moment like a best friend who has gone quiet all day, answers in their own words, and can practise more situations like it.
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What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
“Just find better friends.” | “What happened, and what do you want help with?” | A specific question gives your child room to describe the problem before you choose a solution. |
“You must have done something.” | “Tell me your part too, when you're ready.” | An accusation ends the conversation before you know what happened. |
“Just be nice and everyone will like you.” | “Let's look for someone you enjoy being with.” | Your child can't make a whole group like them. They can find one person they enjoy being with. |
“Sort it out yourselves.” | “I can help if this feels unsafe or keeps happening.” | Some problems are for adults, and your child should know you will step in. |
What do I say when my child has a friendship problem?
Start with one recent moment: “What happened at lunch today?” Then ask permission to try a sentence and let them change it to sound natural.
Play the friend gently for one ordinary exchange, and answer the way a real friend might. Your child can stop whenever they want. Child Mind Institute describes role-playing as helpful for practising ways to settle a conflict with a friend.
Plan what happens if the answer is no: another activity, a different person, or adult help. Don't rehearse any confrontation that would be unsafe in real life.
Agree when you'll check back, then ask what happened and what helped.
5 friendship problems and where to start
Left out: your child wants company and cannot find a way in. Ask which moment was hardest, then plan one invitation or an adult's help. Start with our guide for when nobody will play with me.
Bossy friend: one child decides every game and rule. Try “Can we take turns choosing?” and check whether the friend listens. The bossy friend guide helps with an ordinary disagreement.
Best friend has a new friend: your child misses their usual time together. Help them make one specific invitation and allow the friend other friendships too. Read about a best friend leaving them out.
Fighting: both children are upset after a disagreement. Help your child describe their part and choose a repair when everyone is calm. Our guide to saying sorry gives words for a real apology. Two harder versions have their own pages of example replies: a friend who is still upset after an apology, and two friends who want your child to pick a side.
Jealousy: a friend's prize, attention, or new friendship stings. Allow the feeling and keep behavior fair. The guide to being jealous of a best friend offers a way to explain the hurt.
What if the friendship problem keeps coming back?
What if my child wants me to stay out of it?
Ask what they are afraid will happen if you get involved, and offer a quiet first step. If it is a safety issue, tell them who you need to contact and what you will say.
What if both children have been unkind?
Each child needs help to stop what they are doing and put right what they can. Your child having been unkind too doesn't mean they stop being protected.
What if school calls it ordinary drama?
Tell school staff what happened, how often, and how it affects your child; ask who will help. Escalate through school procedures if harm continues or the agreed support does not happen.
What if my child is withdrawing from everything?
Notice changes in sleep, attendance, and enjoyment of ordinary activities. Seek a pediatrician, GP, or qualified child mental health professional when distress persists or interferes with daily life. Immediate danger needs urgent local help.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Use a concrete moment and help arrange another chance to play; young children may need an adult beside them. | “Can I have a turn next?” |
| 9–11 | Friendship groups get more complicated. Help your child separate what happened from guesses about what everyone thinks. | “Can we choose together?” |
| 12–14 | Ask how offline plans and online groups overlap, and agree on a private way to request adult support. | “Can you help me think this through?” |
Key terms
- Friendship conflict
- A disagreement two friends can work through, as long as both are safe and willing.
- Mutual friendship
- A friendship where both children get a say, can say no, and enjoy being together.
- Bullying
- Repeated or potentially repeated aggressive behavior involving a real or perceived power imbalance.
Give your child 10 free practice scenarios
No card to start. No subscription, ever.
A close friend hasn't said a word to your child all day and seems upset, though your child doesn't think they did anything wrong. They say out loud, in their own words, what they would do, and get feedback on the answer. Afterwards, you can go over the feedback together and ask whether the story reminded them of anyone.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
What are common friendship problems for kids?
The five this guide covers are being left out, a bossy friend, a best friend with a new friend, fights after a disagreement, and jealousy. Each needs a different first step, so ask about one recent moment before deciding what to do.
What do I say first when my child tells me about a friendship problem?
Try, “I'm glad you told me; what happened today?” Listen before choosing between a small request, specific support, or adult protection.
How many friends should my child have?
There is no required number. Raising Children Network notes that some young people prefer one or two close friends to a big group, and that there is no need to do anything if they seem happy. Ask whether your child wants more company and feels welcome with the friends they have.
Should I arrange a meeting between the children?
Only for an ordinary disagreement where both children are willing. A supported conversation can help there. For bullying or threats, ask adults to stop the harm and protect your child.
Is it okay for my child to end a friendship?
Yes. Children can choose distance from a relationship that is unhappy or harmful. Help them share a classroom respectfully even if the friendship has ended.
What if my child has no friends outside school?
Check whether they want that contact and what makes it difficult. One regular activity they can easily get to, or a single small invitation, may help more than signing up for several new things.
Can practice fix friendship problems?
Partly. Practice can help a child find a sentence or ask for help. It cannot control other kids' behavior or replace changes adults need to make.
Sources
- Child Mind Institute, Kids Who Need a Little Help to Make Friends (accessed 2026): Parents can coach social skills at home; role-playing helps children practice strategies for settling peer conflict; clubs and playdates give opportunities for contact; children need just one or two good friends.
- Raising Children Network, How to help your child make friends at 9–18 years (2025): Some young people prefer having one or two close friends to socializing in a big group, and if they seem happy there is no need to do anything; parents can help by listening, encouraging activities built on the child's interests, and not pressuring them about friends.
- StopBullying.gov, What Is Bullying (2024): Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or has the potential to be repeated.
- Child Mind Institute, Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict (accessed 2026): Advises tackling feelings first, because intense emotion is not the right time to problem-solve; then helping children pinpoint the source of the conflict, brainstorm solutions and practice saying what they need.
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