Two of my child’s friends are fighting and want them to pick a side
By the Life Scenario team · Updated · For parents of children 6–14 · Friendship and being left out
Setting boundaries while showing empathy
Being pressured to choose between two friends creates a loyalty conflict. Children may agree with both sides to keep the peace, then feel trapped by their promises.
What is your child learning?
This situation creates opportunities to practise courage, empathy, social awareness and relationship skills. Listen for whether your child can stay friends with both without passing messages between them.
How parents and educators can support the learning
Model a clear, respectful boundary: “You’re both my friends. I’m not choosing.” Discourage passing messages or spreading gossip, while making room for a friend’s feelings.
Try asking:
- Why might each friend want your support?
- Can you care about both without taking sides?
- What would you say if one keeps pressuring you?
- When would an adult need to help?
What your child could say
Example replies, written for this page. They are not scored answers and not answers from real children.
- Ages 6–8
- “You’re both my friends. I don’t want to choose.”
- Ages 9–11
- “I get why you’re upset, but I’m friends with both of you. I’m staying out of it.”
- Ages 12–14
- “You two need to sort it out between you. I’m not picking.”
Saying no clearly at the start keeps your child from being pulled in bit by bit. In the older version, the first half shows they are still listening.
- Ages 6–8
- “You can tell her yourself.”
- Ages 9–11
- “I’m not passing messages. You should say that to her.”
- Ages 12–14
- “Don’t forward it to me. Message her yourself.”
Children who carry messages end up blamed by both sides. This hands the message back to the person it belongs to.
- Ages 6–8
- “Do you want to play four square?”
- Ages 9–11
- “Okay, I heard you. Did you finish the science sheet?”
- Ages 12–14
- “Yeah, I heard. Anyway, did you see the match last night?”
Once your child has said no, a change of subject keeps the conversation from turning into a campaign. There is no argument here they need to win.
The bigger life lesson
A child can care about both friends and still refuse to take sides, and they do not have to fix the argument to stay kind.
Explore the situation. Discuss the emotions. Practise a response. Build a life skill.
Related situations
Guides for parents on this
Sources
- Raising Children Network (Australia), Children, friends and friendships: FAQs (last updated or reviewed December 2025): Primary-school children often have disagreements with friends and usually sort them out quickly; parents can listen first, suggest ideas such as playing in a larger group or role-playing saying sorry, and ask the teacher if it seems to be an ongoing problem. A child might move from one friend or group to another until they find someone who shares their interests. Not being invited to many parties is not in itself a cause for worry.
- Nemours KidsHealth, Helping kids cope with cliques (reviewed June 2023): Parents can help a child who feels left out by reminding them of times they were angry with friends or siblings and how quickly things changed, and by encouraging friendships with people they can confide in, laugh with and trust.
The example replies on this page were written by the Life Scenario team for illustration. They are not answers from children and are not scores.