Two of my child’s friends are fighting and want them to pick a side
By the Life Scenario team · Updated · For parents of children 6–14 · Friendship and being left out
Your child can say no to picking a side and still keep both friends: “You’re both my friends. I’m not choosing.” The key is refusing to carry messages between them. If one friend pushes, they can repeat the line and change the subject. Staying out of it is a position, and a kind one.
The situation, as your child sees it
Two of your friends had a fight, and now they won’t look at each other. At break, one pulls you aside: “You’re on my side, right?” After lunch, the other one asks the same thing.
You like them both. Whatever you say to one will probably get back to the other.
Also happens as: a friend who is being whispered about by the other; a group chat where one friend left and blocked everyone.
Three things a child could say
Example replies, written for this page. They are not scored answers and not answers from real children.
- Ages 6–8
- “You’re both my friends. I don’t want to choose.”
- Ages 9–11
- “I get why you’re upset, but I’m friends with both of you. I’m staying out of it.”
- Ages 12–14
- “You two need to sort it out between you. I’m not picking.”
It names the refusal clearly, so your child doesn’t get pulled in bit by bit. The first half of the older line shows they are still listening.
- Ages 6–8
- “You can tell her yourself.”
- Ages 9–11
- “I’m not passing messages. You should say that to her.”
- Ages 12–14
- “Don’t forward it to me. Message her yourself.”
Being the messenger is how a child ends up blamed by both sides. This line hands the message back to the person who owns it.
- Ages 6–8
- “Do you want to play four square?”
- Ages 9–11
- “Okay, I heard you. Did you finish the science sheet?”
- Ages 12–14
- “Yeah, I heard. Anyway, did you see the match last night?”
After saying the refusal once, changing the subject stops the conversation from turning into a campaign. Your child doesn’t have to win the argument.
What you can say next
- “That’s a hard spot. It sounds like you care about both of them.”
- “You don’t have to fix their fight. That’s their job.”
- “What could you say if she asks again tomorrow?”
If it keeps happening. If one friend starts punishing your child for not choosing, for example by leaving them out or getting others to ignore them, it has become exclusion. Tell the teacher what is happening and ask them to keep an eye on the group at break.
Questions parents ask
What if one friend is clearly in the wrong?
Your child can say so to that friend, kindly and once: “I think that was unfair to her.” That is different from joining a side. What matters is not spreading it.
Should my child try to get them to make up?
Only if both seem to want it. A simple “Do you want to sort it out?” is fine. Organising a big reconciliation usually backfires at this age.
My child did pick a side and now feels bad. What now?
They can go back to the other friend: “I shouldn’t have got involved. I still want to be your friend.” It is not too late.
The fight is happening in a group chat. Does the advice change?
The same lines work, but your child should send them privately, not in the group. Anything posted in the group can be screenshotted and passed around.
Related situations
Sources
- Raising Children Network (Australia) — Children, friends and friendships: FAQs (2025): Primary-school children often have disagreements with friends and usually sort them out quickly; parents can listen first, suggest ideas such as playing in a larger group or role-playing saying sorry, and ask the teacher if it seems to be an ongoing problem. Not being invited to many parties is not in itself a cause for worry.
- Nemours KidsHealth — Helping kids cope with cliques (reviewed June 2023) (2023): Parents can help a child who feels left out by reminding them of times they were angry with friends or siblings and how quickly things changed, and by encouraging friendships with people they can confide in, laugh with and trust.
The example replies on this page were written by the Life Scenario team for illustration. They are not answers from children and are not scores.