My child didn’t make the team
By the Life Scenario team · Updated · For parents of children 6–14 · Setbacks and sport
Let your child be disappointed first, then help them ask the coach one question: “What should I work on to get in next time?” It turns a verdict into a plan. With friends who made it, a short “Well done, you earned it” is enough. Their effort was theirs; the selection was the coach’s.
The situation, as your child sees it
You practised for weeks. On tryout day you miss your first shot, then your second. You can feel everyone watching. The coach frowns and writes something on the clipboard.
When the list goes up, your name isn’t on it, and your friend’s is. You start thinking, “Maybe I’m just not good enough.”
Also happens as: being benched for the whole match; being put in a lower group than your best friend.
Three things a child could say
Example replies, written for this page. They are not scored answers and not answers from real children.
- Ages 6–8
- “Coach, what can I practise for next time?”
- Ages 9–11
- “Could you tell me one or two things to work on before next season?”
- Ages 12–14
- “Is there anything specific I should work on before the next tryouts?”
Said to the coach a day or two later, not in the moment. Asking for something specific gets a useful answer and shows the coach your child is serious.
- Ages 6–8
- “Well done! You played really well.”
- Ages 9–11
- “Congrats, you earned it. I’ll come and watch.”
- Ages 12–14
- “Congrats, deserved. You’ll smash it.”
For the friend who got in. Saying it early and simply stops it from becoming awkward between them. Your child can feel jealous and still say it.
- Ages 6–8
- “I’m sad I didn’t get in, but I’ll try again.”
- Ages 9–11
- “Yeah, didn’t make it this time. Going to keep training.”
- Ages 12–14
- “Nah, didn’t get in. Trying again next year.”
For classmates who ask. A plain, short answer closes the topic, and it’s easier than pretending not to care.
What you can say next
- “You worked really hard for this. It’s okay to be really disappointed.”
- “You can control how hard you practise. You can’t control who the coach picks.”
- “Do you still enjoy playing? Let’s look at other teams or clubs.”
If it keeps happening. If your child is left out season after season and starting to say they are no good at anything, look for a club with a development or participation squad, where everyone gets game time. If being benched seems unfair, you can ask the coach once, calmly, what your child needs to do to play more.
Questions parents ask
Should I contact the coach myself?
For children aged 9–14, let them ask first; it builds confidence and coaches often respond well. For younger children, a short, friendly question from you is fine. Don’t argue the selection.
My child wants to quit the sport entirely. Should I let them?
Wait a couple of weeks before deciding. If they still want to stop once the sting fades, try a different club or activity rather than forcing it.
How do I stop my child comparing themselves to the friend who made it?
Help them look at their own progress: what they can do now that they couldn’t last season. Comparisons with others tend to make children want to give up.
What if my child cried at tryouts?
Coaches see it often. If your child is embarrassed, they can say “I was just really disappointed” and leave it there.
Related situations
Sources
- Raising Children Network (Australia) — How to help kids & teens enjoy sport (2025): A child can control the effort they put into sport but not the result; children often feel disappointment in sport, and parents can help by focusing on what the child is doing well rather than comparisons with others.
The example replies on this page were written by the Life Scenario team for illustration. They are not answers from children and are not scores.