How to build self-esteem in a child: what to say, and what to stop saying
Life Scenario team · Updated · Ages 6–14
How can I build self-esteem in my child?
Build self-esteem with everyday actions more than big compliments: keep affection steady whether your child wins or fails, give specific and truthful feedback, and offer real choices and small responsibilities. When they say “I'm bad at everything,” help them swap it for “This part is hard. I can ask for help.”
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Key takeaways
- A child's worth should not depend on grades, popularity, winning, or being easy to parent.
- Use specific, truthful feedback instead of making exaggerated claims the child feels forced to dispute.
- Offer small responsibilities and real choices with enough support to participate.
- Check the environment when self-criticism follows repeated humiliation, exclusion, or impossible expectations.
- Persistent distress needs professional support; comments about self-harm require prompt attention and urgent help when safety is uncertain.
A bigger compliment may start a bigger argument
Your child says they are useless, and you respond with a list of everything they do well. They reject each item. The conversation becomes a contest between your positive description and their negative one. Try acknowledging the moment first: “You feel really disappointed in yourself.” Then ask what happened before the sweeping statement.
Self-esteem concerns how a child sees and values themselves. HealthyChildren.org, the parent site of the American Academy of Pediatrics, lists feeling accepted, expectations that are neither too low nor too high, and a real chance to contribute among its building blocks. Confidence in a specific task can change from day to day; a child also needs to know that mistakes do not remove their place in the family.
Show interest when there is no achievement to discuss: enjoy hearing about an idea, or just spend time together. Task-by-task confidence has its own guide: building confidence through small everyday steps. If low confidence shows up as quitting anything that feels hard, see the guide for a child who gives up easily.
Be careful with reassurance that rests entirely on being exceptional. A child who hears that they are the smart one may feel unsure what happens when school becomes harder. Describe what you saw and leave room for ordinary results. “You checked the instructions when you got stuck” is easier to connect with than a claim that they are brilliant at everything.
4 things your child can say when they are hard on themselves
1.“This part is hard. I can ask for help.”
For the moment a setback turns into “I'm bad at everything.” It shrinks the judgment from the whole child to one part of one task, and it ends with something they can do next.
2.“I don't like how that went.”
After a result that stung: a missed shot, a low mark, a forgotten line. Your child can be disappointed in what happened without calling themselves a name, and you get something specific to ask about.
3.“Can you help me see what to try next?”
For a parent or teacher, when “You did great!” is not helping because the task still makes no sense. The answer is a concrete next step, which a self-critical child finds easier to believe than a compliment.
4.“What they said about me really hurt.”
For when the harsh words started with someone else: a classmate, a sibling, a coach. Telling a trusted adult shows where the self-criticism comes from, so adults can deal with the source as well as reassure.
“This part is hard. I can ask for help” is easier to believe after trying it once. In Life Scenario your child meets a moment like missing two shots at a team tryout, answers in their own words, and gets feedback to discuss with you. About this practice scenario
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What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
“You're amazing at absolutely everything.” | “You kept checking until you found the missing piece.” | Your child can check a specific comment against what they did, so it is easier to believe. |
“Stop saying that; it's ridiculous.” | “You sound disappointed. What happened?” | Listening first lets you find out what happened before the harsh label. |
“At least you're better than your brother.” | “You don't have to beat anyone to matter here.” | Comparison makes belonging depend on another person's performance. |
“I'll do it so you don't fail.” | “Which part can you try, and where do you need help?” | Your child still does part of the task, with as much help as they need. |
What kind of praise does a child with low self-esteem believe?
Praise that describes something your child really did. If your child rejects every compliment, try, “You don't have to agree with a big compliment. Let's look at what actually happened.” Child Mind Institute advises against answering harsh self-talk with overly optimistic “positive thinking” and suggests a more realistic reply. Name one thing you noticed. If your child forgot part of a presentation but asked the teacher where to restart, both facts can be acknowledged. Listen to the disappointment and ask which part they want help with.
Give your child an ordinary job that makes a real difference, such as planning part of a meal or helping organize materials for an activity. Match the job to what they can do and help where needed. Don't turn it into a test they must pass to earn approval. Let their choice change something real, even when it isn't what you would have picked.
Model a fair description of your own mistake. If you forgot an appointment, explain how you will put it right. Then help your child practise a similar description using a fictional small setback. They can say what went wrong, ask for help, and decide one next action. Stop before the rehearsal becomes a demand to sound positive.
Notice where the negative message is coming from. Ask about repeated comparisons at home, comments from peers, or expectations that never feel achievable. Involve the school when its environment is part of the problem. If classmates keep teasing your child about their looks, or the unkindness has become a daily pattern, read what to do if your child is being bullied. Your child should not be assigned daily affirmations while adults leave persistent humiliation untouched. Keep some time together that has nothing to do with self-esteem or fixing a weakness.
What if the negative statements keep returning?
What if my child says nobody likes them?
Ask about a particular friend or moment. Help with actual isolation or exclusion, including school support where needed. Don't expect your child to fix an unkind class or group through better self-belief alone.
What if they only value themselves when they win?
Keep attention and affection steady after ordinary results and losses. Discuss what they tried and what they learned. Offer interests and responsibilities that do not all depend on public ranking.
When should we ask for professional help?
Contact a qualified child health professional when harsh self-criticism persists, worsens, or affects sleep, eating, school, friendships, or usual interests. Explain the situations where it occurs and what adults have observed. You do not need to wait for a crisis or identify the cause yourself.
What if my child mentions hurting themselves?
Take the statement seriously, stay with them, and seek urgent support if safety is uncertain; contact local emergency services for immediate danger. A reassuring sentence or practice game is not a substitute for help with a safety concern.
Where to get urgent help
If your child may hurt themselves, stay with them and seek urgent help; call local emergency services for immediate danger.
For urgent emotional support: in the US call or text 988; in the UK call Childline on 0800 1111; in Australia call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800; in Canada call Kids Help Phone on 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Use a concrete observation and a short next step. Keep affection separate from whether the child completes the task, and avoid sibling comparisons. A drawing, gesture, or example may help them explain what felt bad more easily than a broad question about how they feel about themselves. | “I got stuck. Please help me.” |
| 9–11 | Children may compare marks, invitations, or team places closely. Ask what matters to them and help them tell one result apart from who they are. Give them a real contribution at home and time for interests they enjoy. | “I can try that part again.” |
| 12–14 | Respect privacy around appearance, friendships, and online comparisons. Ask whether they want you to share the difficulty with family members. Check whether repeated criticism or pressure is coming from a peer group or an adult setting. | “That went badly. Can you stay with me for a bit?” |
Key terms
- Self-esteem
- How a person sees and values themselves; it is broader than doing well at one task.
- Specific feedback
- A truthful observation about an action or piece of work.
- Belonging
- Being accepted and able to participate in a family or group, including when a person needs help or makes a mistake.
Give your child 10 free practice scenarios
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Your child misses two shots at a team tryout and has to decide what to say and do next. They answer aloud in their own words and get feedback. Afterwards you can go through it together and talk about asking for help when something feels hard.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
What do I say to build my child's self-esteem?
Specific, truthful praise helps most: describe what your child did (“You kept checking until you found the missing piece”) and show interest beyond achievement. Let the child make small choices and contribute with suitable support. Keep affection steady when the result is ordinary or disappointing.
What do I say when my child compares themselves with other children?
Try, “You don't have to beat anyone to matter here.” Ask what the comparison was about, such as a mark, an invitation or a team place, and help your child separate that one result from who they are. Avoid answering with a comparison of your own.
Are positive affirmations useful for children?
Only when the phrase feels believable to the child. Try a specific sentence such as asking for help instead of insisting they repeat a grand claim about themselves. Do not use a phrase as the entire response to ongoing exclusion or distress.
What is the difference between confidence and self-esteem?
Confidence is about a particular ability, such as answering a question or joining a game; self-esteem is the broader way a child values themselves. A child can struggle at something and still be treated as a valued family member.
Should I protect my child from every failure?
No. Offer realistic opportunities with enough support to participate and recover from setbacks. Avoid either taking over everything or deliberately setting them up to fail. When a task shows that your child needs extra support to learn or take part, arrange that support.
Can a parent help if low self-esteem seems to come from school?
Yes. Listen to what has happened and work with the relevant staff. Ask for changes where there is repeated criticism, exclusion, or bullying. Home reassurance is useful alongside action on the environment causing harm.
What causes low self-esteem in a child?
Often it follows repeated experiences: harsh criticism, comparisons with a sibling, being left out or humiliated by peers, or expectations that never feel achievable. HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics) says a child's self-esteem is shaped by how parents, teachers and friends think of and treat them, so check the environment as well as your child's own words.
When should I worry about my child's low self-esteem?
Ask a qualified child health professional when the harsh self-criticism persists, gets worse, or starts to affect sleep, eating, school, friendships or things your child used to enjoy. You do not need to wait for a crisis. Any mention of hurting themselves needs prompt attention; the urgent help section above lists who to call.
Sources
- American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org, Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem in Kids (2024): Lists building blocks of healthy self-esteem, including feeling accepted and loved, expectations that are not too low and not too high, chances to contribute in a meaningful way and to make or influence decisions, praise for effort as well as results, and feeling comfortable, not defeated, after mistakes. Says self-esteem is also shaped by how parents, teachers and friends think of and treat the child.
- Child Mind Institute, How to Help Kids Who Are Too Hard on Themselves (accessed 2026): Advises against answering critical self-talk with overly optimistic “positive thinking” and recommends a more realistic approach; suggests helping the child identify specifically what upset them, checking in with teachers, and seeking professional help if the negative self-talk persists and affects the child's life.
- 988 Lifeline, Help Someone Else (accessed 2026): People concerned about someone at risk can contact 988 for support and local resources.
- Childline, Get support (accessed 2026): Children can contact Childline through its phone and online support options.
- 988 Lifeline, Get help (accessed 2026): The US 988 Lifeline offers support by calling or texting 988.
- Kids Helpline, Phone counseling (accessed 2026): Kids Helpline in Australia can be reached on 1800 55 1800.
- Kids Help Phone, Get support (accessed 2026): Kids Help Phone in Canada offers phone support on 1-800-668-6868 and text support by sending CONNECT to 686868.
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