“My child doesn't want to go to school”: When friends are the reason
Life Scenario team · Published · Ages 6–14
What should I say when my child doesn't want to go to school because of friends?
When your child doesn't want to go to school because of friends, practice “Lunch is hard. Can you help me?” First find out what is happening, then contact the school to arrange specific support. If they keep feeling unwell or the difficulty lasts, ask a GP or pediatrician too.
No sign-up · about 2 minutes
Key takeaways
- Find out which part of the school day your child dreads.
- Take physical symptoms seriously and seek medical advice instead of deciding they are an excuse.
- Work with school staff on a getting to school with help in place plan with a named adult and support at the difficult time.
- Do not use staying home or pretending to be sick as a friendship strategy.
- Check whether the agreed support actually happens and seek further help when difficulties continue.
The morning refusal may be about a particular part of the day
Your child is dressed, but they will not pick up their bag. Yesterday they said school was fine. Today they say nobody likes them or that they cannot face lunch. Try a question with a small scope: “Which part of today feels hardest?” Listen for a lesson, a place, a person, or a moment between activities.
They may be sitting alone, missing an old friendship group, or facing repeated mistreatment. It may also coexist with a learning difficulty, confusing routine, or physical illness. This page focuses on social concerns; it does not assume they explain every reluctance to attend. Ask a GP or pediatrician about physical symptoms, and seek help early when the difficulty persists.
Avoid making the morning a trial in which your child must prove distress before you contact the school. You can take the concern seriously while working toward getting to school with help in place with support. Speak with the suitable school adult that day. If someone is threatening your child, get help to protect them now.
4 things your child can say when friendships make school hard
1.“Lunch is hard. Can you help me?”
Tell a parent or trusted school adult which part of the day needs a specific support arrangement.
2.“I don't know where to go at recess.”
Use this when unstructured time is difficult and the child needs help finding a suitable place or activity.
3.“Something happened, and I'm scared to go back.”
Tell a trusted adult about a specific concern so they can assess safety before planning the school day.
4.“The plan didn't happen yesterday.”
Tell the adult coordinating support when a promised check-in, meeting place, or other arrangement was missing.
Saying “Lunch is hard. Can you help me” when you feel stuck takes practice. In Life Scenario your child answers an everyday situation out loud, including moments that go wrong, and gets feedback to discuss with you.
No sign-up · about 2 minutes
What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
“Everyone has to do things they hate.” | “Tell me the part you don't want to face.” | A concrete concern helps adults plan support instead of debating whether school is enjoyable. |
“You're just trying to get a day off.” | “I'll listen, and we'll contact school about help.” | Listening can happen alongside action toward getting to school with help in place. |
“It's only a stomachache from worrying.” | “We'll get advice about how you're feeling.” | Ask a health professional about physical symptoms that concern you. |
“Just make a different friend.” | “Let's ask who can help at lunch today.” | An immediate adult arrangement is more usable than a demand to create a friendship on the way to school. |
What do I say when my child cannot face another lunch alone?
Say, “We'll work this out together. I'll contact school so we can make a plan.” Describe the problem to the teacher, school counselor, or staff member who handles attendance. Ask who can meet your child, what happens at lunch, and where they can go if the arrangement fails. Check that the named person knows about the plan and is available.
If the concern is ordinary loneliness, staff might help the child enter an activity, arrange a welcoming lunch setting, or support partner choices. Ask your child which option feels least exposing. Do not ask staff to announce publicly that the child has no friends. A plan should make participation possible while giving friendships time to develop naturally.
For bullying or threats, request the school's protection response and refer to its anti-bullying policy. The child should move away from unsafe behavior, avoid replying, and tell a trusted adult. Their attendance support must address the actual risk. A reward chart for getting through the door does not, by itself, resolve harassment at lunch or on the bus.
When the immediate plan is clear, rehearse the first adult conversation. You play the staff member meeting your child, and they try one short line. Include what to do if that person is absent. After school, ask whether the promised support happened and what still felt difficult. Write down what your child wants school to know, then let them have an ordinary evening.
What do I say before contacting school?
Say, “I'll call school so we can work out what help you need.” Don't make them prove how bad it is before you call school. Explain what you know, what remains unclear, and which part of the day needs support first.
What if the school-day plan is not enough?
What if my child feels physically unwell?
Take symptoms seriously and seek advice from a GP or pediatrician, including when they occur mainly before school. Follow medical guidance and the school's illness procedures. Do not ask the child to invent or hide symptoms to manage a friendship problem.
What if they still cannot manage attendance?
Contact the school promptly to plan how to help your child attend. Seek professional advice when the difficulty persists or strongly disrupts daily life. Agree on an attendance plan with school and the professionals supporting your child.
What if school staff say my child looks happy there?
Share the child's account and ask about specific times, including lunch, breaks, and transitions. A brief classroom observation may not show what happens elsewhere. Arrange a named contact and a review point so both home and school information inform the next step.
What if my child describes serious threats or self-harm thoughts?
Stay with them and seek urgent local help if safety is uncertain or immediate danger is present. Tell the school staff member responsible for protecting children and involve health or protection services when needed. Adults can investigate a threat while keeping your child away from the person involved.
Where to get urgent help
If your child may hurt themselves, stay with them and seek urgent help; call local emergency services for immediate danger.
For urgent emotional support: in the US call or text 988; in the UK call Childline on 0800 1111; in Australia call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800; in Canada call Kids Help Phone on 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Use concrete questions and identify the adult who will meet them. The child may show a place on a school map or describe lunch more easily than explain a friendship. Practice reaching that adult with a few words or their usual communication method. | “Please help me find someone at playtime.” |
| 9–11 | Ask about the parts of the day where children choose their own partners or groups. Ask your child which member of staff they could approach during the day. Keep adult coordination active even if the child knows what to say. | “Could you help me join the activity?” |
| 12–14 | Respect concerns about embarrassment and discuss necessary school contact privately. Ask whether moving between classes, group messages, or an old friend in a different class has changed the school day. Agree how your teenager can contact the named adult and how progress will be reviewed. | “Can I see you before class?” |
Key terms
- Attendance support
- A coordinated plan that helps a child access school safely and addresses barriers to being there.
- Social concern
- A difficulty involving peers or belonging, such as loneliness, conflict, exclusion, or mistreatment; each needs a response suited to the situation.
- Named adult
- A specific staff member the child knows how to find, with an alternative arrangement when that person is unavailable.
Give your child 10 free practice scenarios
No card to start. No subscription, ever.
Try one short round together: your child hears a social situation, answers out loud in their own words, and gets feedback. Some situations include a no, a mistake, or an awkward response to handle. Life Scenario has ten free scenarios, no card to start, and no subscription; you can use the feedback for a short conversation afterward.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
What do I say when my child says they hate school?
Ask which part of tomorrow feels hardest, and listen. Contact the school to help address the specific concern. Seek health advice for persistent difficulty or physical symptoms.
Should I let my child stay home until they find friends?
Do not use staying home as a strategy for resolving friendship problems. Work with school staff on getting to school with help in place and concrete support during difficult times. Get medical help for illness and urgent protection for immediate threats.
How can I tell whether it is bullying or loneliness?
Ask what happens, who is involved, how often it occurs, and whether your child feels afraid. School staff can help assess the pattern, including any imbalance of power. You can ask for help while you are still finding out what happened.
What if my child will not tell me what is wrong?
Offer another trusted adult and a private way to communicate, such as writing a short note. Ask where and when school feels hardest. Let them know you will help and explain any necessary school contact.
Should we change schools?
First understand the concern and examine the protection and support available. Consider your child's needs and whether the school can keep them safe. If the current response is inadequate, follow the school's escalation process while seeking further advice.
How quickly should I seek help?
Contact the school promptly when a social concern is affecting attendance. Seek medical advice for physical symptoms and professional support when difficulty persists or daily life is strongly affected. Immediate safety concerns need urgent action.
Sources
- Child Mind Institute, When Kids Refuse to Go to School (2025): Parents should investigate the underlying school difficulty, seek pediatric assessment for physical symptoms, and work toward attendance with appropriate support rather than prolonging avoidance.
- NHS, Anxiety in children (accessed 2026): School-related worries should be understood with the child and school; persistent interference with daily life warrants professional help.
- StopBullying.gov, Support the Children Involved (accessed 2026): Adults should support children affected by bullying and follow up on protection and school responses.
- 988 Lifeline, Get help (accessed 2026): The US 988 Lifeline offers support by calling or texting 988.
- Childline, Get support (accessed 2026): Children in the UK can call Childline on 0800 1111.
- Kids Helpline, Phone counseling (accessed 2026): Kids Helpline in Australia can be reached on 1800 55 1800.
- Kids Help Phone, Get support (accessed 2026): Kids Help Phone in Canada offers phone support on 1-800-668-6868 and text support by sending CONNECT to 686868.
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