Conflict resolution for kids: 5 steps and what to say at each
Life Scenario team · Published · Ages 6–14
How do I teach my child conflict resolution skills?
Teach five small steps: calm down, say what happened (“I was upset when you skipped my turn”), listen, suggest a fix (“Can we take turns?”), then agree. Practise one step at a time in a five-minute role-play, with you as the other child. Bullying is different: a child who is picked on again and again goes to an adult.
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Key takeaways
- Calm down first. Nobody solves anything while they are still shouting.
- Each step has a short line a child can learn: one sentence about what happened, one question, one suggestion.
- Listening is a step of its own. Repeating back what the other child said often ends the argument faster than winning it.
- Rehearse with made-up disagreements, and let the other side refuse sometimes.
- Conflict happens between equals. Bullying is a different problem, and a bullied child needs an adult to step in.
Why “go and sort it out” rarely works
Two children want the same swing. An adult says, “Sort it out between you,” and walks off. What usually follows is the louder child getting the swing and the quieter one deciding that sorting things out means giving in. Children are told to resolve conflicts long before anyone breaks the job into parts they can do.
Child Mind Institute describes the starting point plainly: teaching conflict resolution begins with helping children recognise their emotions and calm down, because problem-solving does not work while feelings are still intense. After that come the parts this page gives you words for: saying what happened without attacking, hearing the other side, and looking for a fix. CASEL, the organisation behind the most widely used framework for social and emotional learning, lists resolving conflicts constructively as one of the relationship skills children build.
Most of the work happens before the next argument. A child who has said “I was upset when you skipped my turn” five times at the kitchen table can find it in the playground. If the words are new, start with I-statements for kids, which covers that one sentence in more depth. For a bank of ready-made disagreements to act out, use the role-play scenarios for kids.
5 conflict resolution steps and what your child can say at each
1.“I need a minute. Can we sort it out after?”
Step 1, calm down. Walking off without a word looks like quitting; this line says your child is coming back. Agree in advance what the minute looks like: a drink of water, ten slow breaths, a lap of the garden.
2.“I was upset when you skipped my turn.”
Step 2, say what happened. One event and one feeling, with no “always” or “never”. It describes the problem without calling the other child names, so they have less to defend.
3.“So you thought it was your go?”
Step 3, listen and check. Your child repeats back what they heard. The other child usually softens once they feel understood, and half of playground arguments turn out to be two versions of the same rule.
4.“We could take turns, or flip a coin.”
Step 4, suggest a fix. Offering two options gives the other child a choice instead of an order. Child Mind Institute suggests brainstorming several solutions and then picking the best one together.
5.“Okay, deal. You go first this time.”
Step 5, agree and move on. Saying the deal out loud makes it real, and letting the other child go first is a cheap way to end on good terms. Nobody needs to admit they were wrong.
6 short lines for the middle of an argument
1.“Wait. Can we start again?”
For the moment both children realise it has got silly. A restart lets everyone drop what they said without either side having to back down first.
2.“I don't want to fight about this.”
Names the goal out loud. It often lowers the temperature, because the other child usually does not want to fight either and now has permission to stop.
3.“What would be fair to you?”
Hands the other child the job of suggesting a fix. Children are often more reasonable about their own proposal than about one they are given.
4.“Okay, you've got a point.”
Conceding one small thing costs little. It shows good faith and makes it easier for the other child to give a little back.
5.“Let's ask Ms Lee to help us decide.”
For when the two of them are stuck after a real try. Asking an adult together is different from running to tell, because both children are asking for a referee.
6.“Sorry I shouted. Can we try again?”
For after your child lost their temper. Owning the shouting separates it from the original disagreement, which may still need solving.
5 conflict role-plays to practise at home
1.“You both want the last turn on the swing.”
A strong answer suggests a fix both can live with: “You have five minutes, then me?” Play the other child as unwilling at first, so your child has to offer a second idea.
2.“Your friend says you cheated at a board game.”
A strong answer stays calm and checks the rule: “I don't think I did. Can we read the rules together?” It moves the argument from who is lying to what the rules say.
3.“In a group project, nobody likes your idea.”
A strong answer asks for a fair comparison: “Let's look at the good and bad of each idea.” Understood suggests rehearsing exactly this kind of disagreement in group work with tweens.
4.“You and a friend want different weekend plans.”
A strong answer makes a counter-offer: “Okay, what about the park today and the film next week?” Practise it once with you agreeing and once with you saying no.
5.“Your sister used your charger without asking.”
A strong answer says what happened and what it wants next: “I was annoyed you took it. Please ask first.” Sibling fights get their own page, linked below.
Knowing the five steps is easier than using them when the other child won't cooperate, so let your child practise that moment out loud.
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What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
“Just say sorry and shake hands.” | “Tell me what happened, one at a time.” | A forced apology ends the noise but leaves the problem, which comes back the next day. |
“Who started it?” | “What do you each want to happen now?” | The past turns into a trial; the next five minutes are something both children can agree on. |
“Stop being so dramatic.” | “You're really upset. Let's cool down first.” | Naming the feeling helps a child calm down faster than dismissing it. |
“Work it out yourselves.” | “Try one idea each. Come and get me if you're stuck.” | Children get a job they can do and a clear way to ask for help. |
“You always give in. Stand up for yourself!” | “What would be fair to you? Let's practise saying it.” | Your child gets a sentence to rehearse in place of a judgement about their character. |
What do I say when two kids come to me shouting?
Start with “Stop. Everyone takes a breath first.” Separate them for a minute if you need to. Then give each child one turn to say what happened while the other listens, and ask the listener to repeat it back: “So she's saying you took the blue one. Is that right?” Being heard often takes most of the heat out.
Then ask for ideas from both, without judging them yet. Write them down if they are older. Let the children choose one, try it, and check in ten minutes later. Your job is to run the steps; the fix should come from them. If you have the same argument every day between brothers and sisters, see what each child can say when siblings are fighting.
What if the steps don't work?
What if the other child refuses every idea?
Your child can make one more offer, then step away: “Okay. I'll play something else.” A fix needs two people, and leaving calmly is a fine result. If it happens every time with the same child, talk about whether that friendship is working.
What if my child always gives in to keep the peace?
Practise the step they skip, usually saying what they want. Play a stubborn friend and let them repeat one fair line until it comes out steadily. The guide on standing up for yourself without being mean, linked below, has more lines for this.
What if it isn't a conflict but bullying?
A conflict is a disagreement between two children with roughly equal power. If one child keeps picking on the other, threatens them, or a group gangs up, the target should not be asked to negotiate. Tell your child to get away and tell an adult, and take it to the school yourself.
When should I involve the school or a professional?
Talk to the teacher if conflicts at school keep turning physical or your child is regularly upset after break. If your child's anger often feels out of proportion or hard to come down from, see your GP or paediatrician.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Teach the steps as a short routine with an adult nearby: stop, say it, take turns. Toys and turn-taking are the usual battles. Keep each line to a few words. | “Can we take turns?” |
| 9–11 | Rules of games, fairness and group work cause most fights. Let your child practise listening and repeating back, and coming up with two fixes of their own. | “So you thought it was your go?” |
| 12–14 | Conflicts move into group chats and friendship groups. Encourage settling things face to face or privately, and talk about when to let a small thing go. | “Can we sort this out in person?” |
Key terms
- Conflict resolution
- Working through a disagreement so both people can live with the result, using steps such as calming down, listening and agreeing a fix.
- Compromise
- A fix where each person gives up a little, such as splitting time on the swing.
- Cool-down
- A short, agreed pause before talking, so feelings settle enough for problem-solving.
- Repeating back
- Saying in your own words what the other person just said, to check you understood.
Give your child 10 free practice scenarios
No card to start. No subscription, ever.
Try one short round together: your child hears a social situation, such as a classmate who keeps skipping their turn in a board game, answers out loud in their own words, and gets feedback. Some situations include a no, a mistake, or an awkward response to handle. Life Scenario has ten free scenarios, no card to start, and no subscription; you can use the feedback for a short conversation afterward.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
What are the steps of conflict resolution for kids?
Calm down, say what happened, listen and repeat back, suggest a fix, and agree. Each step has a short line a child can learn, such as “I was upset when you skipped my turn” or “We could take turns.” Practise one step at a time.
How do I teach my child to resolve conflicts with friends?
Rehearse made-up disagreements at home for five minutes, with you playing the friend. Be easy the first time and stubborn the second, so your child learns to make a second offer or walk away calmly.
What do I say when my child comes home after a fight with a friend?
Listen first: “That sounds hard. What happened?” Once they have calmed down, ask what they want to happen next and help them find one sentence for tomorrow, such as “Can we start again?”
At what age can kids resolve conflicts on their own?
Children of six to eight can manage simple steps with an adult close by. From about nine they can often listen, repeat back and suggest fixes themselves. Even teenagers need an adult when a conflict turns into bullying or gets physical.
Should I step in when kids argue?
Step in straight away if anyone is getting hurt or one child is being picked on. For ordinary disagreements, run the steps with them instead of deciding for them, and step back further as they get better at it.
What are some conflict resolution activities for kids?
Role-play a disagreement and swap parts, practise repeating back what someone said, and brainstorm three fixes for a made-up problem such as two children wanting the same seat. The role-plays above each take about five minutes.
Is conflict resolution the same as dealing with bullying?
No. Conflict resolution is for disagreements between equals. Bullying is repeated and involves a power imbalance, so the target should go to an adult and the adults should act, instead of asking the children to work it out.
Sources
- Child Mind Institute, Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict (accessed 2026): Teaching conflict resolution begins with helping children recognise emotions and calm down before problem-solving; when emotions are intense it is not the time to solve the conflict; brainstorm several solutions and pick the best one together; I-statements and a safe place to practise tricky conversations help.
- CASEL, What Is the CASEL Framework? (accessed 2026): Relationship skills include the capacity to communicate clearly, listen actively, cooperate, work collaboratively to problem solve and negotiate conflict constructively; resolving conflicts constructively is listed as an example.
- Understood, 8 social situations to role-play with your middle-schooler (accessed 2026): Suggests acting out group work, including disagreements among group members, with lines such as “Let's look at the pros and cons of each idea,” and practising counter-offers when making plans with friends.
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