“How do I make friends?”: small steps your child can try
Life Scenario team · Updated · Ages 6–14
How can I help my child learn to make friends?
Help your child make friends in small steps. Pick an activity they will keep going back to, practice one invitation, “Want to do this together?”, and one follow-up, “Will you be here next time?” You arrange the visit with the other family. Look for interest from both children, and accept a no.
No sign-up · about 2 minutes
Key takeaways
- Ask what kind of company your child wants before arranging a full calendar of social activities.
- Look for a place where the same children can meet around something your child enjoys.
- Practice inviting someone to do one thing together.
- Notice whether both children contribute, choose, and seem comfortable together.
- Handle the adult side: arrange the plan, supervision, and transport with the other child's caregiver.
Meeting someone and becoming friends are different steps
Your child may have a pleasant conversation at a club and still say they have no friends. They might not see that child again, or neither knows how to suggest doing something together. Ask what happened after the first exchange. The missing piece may be a specific follow-up, such as finding out whether they will both be at the next session.
Start with what your child enjoys enough to return to. A drawing group, a familiar park activity, or a school club can provide something to do while the children get to know each other. Avoid choosing an activity solely because you imagine its participants will be popular or sociable. Child Mind Institute makes a similar point: a child needs one or two good friends, and popularity is not the goal. Your child needs a reason to enjoy attending even before a friendship forms.
Friendship also involves finding out whether two people are comfortable together. One child may be friendly for an afternoon and still prefer different activities next time. If the interest is one-sided, help your child give the other person space. They can make invitations, show interest, and keep boundaries; they cannot decide the other person's feelings for them. An older child who meets settled groups everywhere may need the guide to making friends in middle school.
4 things your child can say as a friendship begins
1.“Want to do this together?”
For a moment when both children are already doing the same thing. Asking about one activity is easier to say yes to than “Will you be my friend?”, and a no only turns down the activity.
2.“Will you be here next time?”
For the end of a good session at a club or class. Meeting once does not make a friendship, and this question sets up a second meeting without asking for any promise.
3.“Would you like to come over sometime?”
For when both children have shown they want more time together. “Sometime” leaves the date to the adults, so your child does not offer a day, a lift, or a sleepover before checking with you.
4.“That's okay. Maybe another time.”
For an ordinary no. It accepts the answer without pleading and keeps a later invitation possible. If your child's invitations keep going one way, look for other connections too.
Once a new group has let your child in, they still have to stay themselves. They can practice that kind of moment here: a new group laughs at something that feels wrong, and they choose what to say.
No sign-up · about 2 minutes
What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
“You need a best friend.” | “Who do you enjoy spending time with?” | “Best friend” sets a high bar; enjoying someone's company is a goal your child can reach. |
“Be whatever the group likes.” | “Which parts of this group feel like you?” | Your child should not have to hide important interests or join hurtful behavior to keep a place. |
“Invite them again until they say yes.” | “Let's notice whether they make room for you too.” | Repeated pressure can make an invitation uncomfortable and overlooks the need for interest on both sides. |
“I've chosen a friend for you.” | “Would you like to spend time with them?” | Adults can create opportunities while allowing the child a meaningful choice about the relationship. |
What do I say when my child wants a friend but has no plan?
Try, “Who have you enjoyed doing something with lately?” The answer might be a classmate, a neighbor, or someone from a hobby. Ask what they liked doing together. If there is nobody yet, choose an activity your child would like to revisit and start with recognizing familiar faces. A friendship plan can begin before there is a particular person to invite.
Practice a small invitation in the setting where it would happen. If the children draw at lunch, put paper on the table and rehearse asking to share the activity. Then practice a follow-up after the drawing is finished. Play the other child: say yes in one round and “I'm busy” in the next, so your child practices both answers. For a flat no at recess, see what your child can say when nobody will play with them. Some social skills games for kids practise the same asking and answering at home, with less at stake.
Do the adult logistics openly. Tell your child what is possible: a short visit, a meeting at a public place, or another session at the same club. Contact the other child's caregiver to agree on the plan. Keep early plans small and supervised as needed, and avoid turning a visit into an assessment of whether the children are now close enough.
Afterward, ask whether your child enjoyed the time and wants to repeat it. If something was awkward, discuss that particular moment. Perhaps the activities did not suit both children, or the visit was too long. Try a different arrangement if spending time together has become difficult. Leave space for a connection to remain casual. If your child has company but keeps saying they are nobody's first choice, that is a different conversation.
What do I say when making friends is taking longer than my child hoped?
What if nobody accepts the invitation?
Acknowledge the disappointment and check specific reasons before making a conclusion. If several invitations remain one-sided, look for another setting or contact. Ask school for observations when the pattern is persistent, especially if children are deliberately excluding your child.
What if my child tries to buy friendship?
Help them distinguish a shared treat from giving things away to keep someone interested. Agree reasonable limits on gifts and lending. Step in if another child threatens yours for saying no.
What if the new group is unkind to someone else?
Help your child find company where they can make choices they feel comfortable with. Make sure they know to tell you or a teacher about bullying or pressure to do something harmful.
When is more support useful?
If loneliness or difficulty participating keeps interfering with daily life, involve school staff and consider advice from a child health professional. Bring specific examples and ask what support would fit. Do not assume a child needs extra coaching simply because they prefer a small social circle.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | You will usually arrange the setting and contact with caregivers. Give the children an activity they both understand and stay available for help. Practice the invitation, then let them enjoy playing. | “Want to make one with me?” |
| 9–11 | Help your child follow up after a good exchange at school or a club. Discuss what they can offer realistically and how to accept a different plan. Friends can have separate interests and other friendships. | “Should we do this again next week?” |
| 12–14 | Let your child help choose the setting and how invitations happen. Respect their privacy while keeping age-suitable rules for online contact, travel, and supervision. Ask whether they can be themselves with the group and whether support goes both ways. | “Do you want to hang out after the club?” |
Key terms
- Acquaintance
- Someone you recognize or sometimes spend time with.
- Shared interest
- Something both people enjoy that can give them a reason to spend time together.
- Mutual interest
- Both people taking an interest and sometimes making plans.
- Follow-up
- A small next contact after meeting, such as planning to sit together at the next session.
Give your child 10 free practice scenarios
No card to start. No subscription, ever.
Your child has joined a new group that jokes about kids who study hard or help teachers, and laughs along although it feels wrong. That night they decide out loud, in their own words, what to do about it, then get gentle feedback and more situations like it to practise. Go over the feedback together and talk about friends who let you be yourself.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
How do kids make friends step by step?
Find a shared activity, make a small invitation, and notice whether both children enjoy the contact. If they do, suggest another small meeting. There is no fixed number of conversations that turns an acquaintance into a friend.
What can my child say to make a friend?
“Want to do this together?” is the line to start with, said to a child who is already doing the same activity. After a good session, “Will you be here next time?” sets up a second meeting. Practice both at home, with you answering yes once and “I'm busy” once.
What do I say when my child wants a best friend immediately?
Try, “You'd really like someone close. Who feels comfortable to be around?” Then ask what they might enjoy doing together. A friendship can grow through spending time together.
Does my child need lots of friends?
No. A small circle may suit them, and one or two good friendships can be enough. What matters is whether they feel connected, or lonely and unhappy in the friendships they have.
What do I say if my child changes interests to fit in?
Ask which new interests they genuinely enjoy and which feel like a price of admission. Trying something new is fine. They should not need to hide everything they like or participate in cruelty to stay included.
Should I arrange a club every day?
No. Choose activities your child actually wants and leave room for rest and family life. A crowded schedule does not ensure close relationships. Repeated comfortable contact can be easier to sustain than many unrelated introductions.
Can online friends count as friends?
Yes, children can feel a real connection online, but adults need to check age rules, privacy, and who they are interacting with. Keep up friendships with children they see in person too, and do not let your child meet an online-only contact without you. Make sure they know to show you any unwanted requests or pressure.
Sources
- Child Mind Institute, Kids Who Need a Little Help to Make Friends (accessed 2026): Children can benefit from comfortable social opportunities; parents need not make popularity the goal.
- Child Mind Institute, How to Help Kids Who Are Lonely (accessed 2026): A child's interests and the social setting both matter when looking for opportunities to connect.
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