“How do I make friends?”: small steps your child can try
By the Life Scenario team · Published · For parents of children 6–14
How can I help my child learn to make friends?
To make friends, kids can start with “Want to do this together?” and follow up with “Will you be here next time?” Choose a shared activity and look for interest from both sides. Help with specific arrangements, accept a declined invitation, and keep room for friendships that grow slowly.
Key takeaways
- Ask what kind of company your child wants before arranging a full calendar of social activities.
- Look for a place where the same children can meet around something your child enjoys.
- Practice inviting someone to do one thing together.
- Notice whether both children contribute, choose, and seem comfortable together.
- Help with supervision and transport.
Meeting someone and becoming friends are different steps
Your child may have a pleasant conversation at a club and still say they have no friends. They might not see that child again, or neither knows how to suggest doing something together. Ask what happened after the first exchange. The missing piece may be a specific follow-up, such as finding out whether they will both be at the next session.
Start with what your child enjoys enough to return to. A drawing group, a familiar park activity, or a school club can provide something to do while the children get to know each other. Avoid choosing an activity solely because you imagine its participants will be popular or sociable. Your child needs a reason to enjoy attending even before a friendship forms.
Friendship also involves finding out whether two people are comfortable together. One child may be friendly for an afternoon and still prefer different activities next time. If the interest is one-sided, help your child give the other person space. They can make invitations, show interest, and keep boundaries; they cannot decide the other person's feelings for them.
4 things your child can say as a friendship begins
1.“Want to do this together?”
Use this when there is a shared activity with room for another person. A small invitation is easier to act on than asking whether somebody wants to be a friend in general.
2.“Will you be here next time?”
Use this after an enjoyable exchange at a recurring activity. It gives the children something they could do together again.
3.“Would you like to come over sometime?”
Use this when both children seem interested in spending more time together and the adults can arrange it. Your child should check family plans before offering a date, transport, or an overnight stay.
4.“That's okay. Maybe another time.”
Use this after an ordinary declined invitation. Your child can accept the answer and leave the invitation open. Repeated one-sided invitations are a reason to look for other connections too.
What not to say (and what to say instead)
“You need a best friend.”
“Who do you enjoy spending time with?”
Ask who your child feels comfortable spending time with.
“Be whatever the group likes.”
“Which parts of this group feel like you?”
Your child should not have to hide important interests or join hurtful behavior to keep a place.
“Invite them again until they say yes.”
“Let's notice whether they make room for you too.”
Repeated pressure can make an invitation uncomfortable and overlooks the need for interest on both sides.
“I've chosen a friend for you.”
“Would you like to spend time with them?”
Adults can create opportunities while allowing the child a meaningful choice about the relationship.
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
| “You need a best friend.” | “Who do you enjoy spending time with?” | Ask who your child feels comfortable spending time with. |
| “Be whatever the group likes.” | “Which parts of this group feel like you?” | Your child should not have to hide important interests or join hurtful behavior to keep a place. |
| “Invite them again until they say yes.” | “Let's notice whether they make room for you too.” | Repeated pressure can make an invitation uncomfortable and overlooks the need for interest on both sides. |
| “I've chosen a friend for you.” | “Would you like to spend time with them?” | Adults can create opportunities while allowing the child a meaningful choice about the relationship. |
What do I say when my child wants a friend but has no plan?
Try, “Who have you enjoyed doing something with lately?” The answer might be a classmate, a neighbor, or someone from a hobby. Ask what they liked doing together. If there is nobody yet, choose an activity your child would like to revisit and start with recognizing familiar faces. A friendship plan can begin before there is a particular person to invite.
Practice a small invitation in the setting where it would happen. If the children draw at lunch, put paper on the table and rehearse asking to share the activity. Then practice a follow-up after the drawing is finished. You can be interested in one round and busy in the next. Let them finish telling you.
Do the adult logistics openly. Tell your child what is possible: a short visit, a meeting at a public place, or another session at the same club. Contact the other child's caregiver to agree on the plan. Keep early plans small and supervised as needed, and avoid turning a visit into an assessment of whether the children are now close enough.
Afterward, ask whether your child enjoyed the time and wants to repeat it. If something was awkward, discuss that particular moment. Perhaps the activities did not suit both children, or the visit was too long. Try a different arrangement if spending time together has become difficult. Leave space for a connection to remain casual.
What do I say when making friends is taking longer than my child hoped?
What if nobody accepts the invitation?
Acknowledge the disappointment and check specific reasons before making a conclusion. If several invitations remain one-sided, look for another setting or contact. Ask school for observations when the pattern is persistent, especially if children are deliberately excluding your child.
What if my child tries to buy friendship?
Help them distinguish a shared treat from giving things away to keep someone interested. Agree reasonable limits on gifts and lending. Step in if another child threatens yours for saying no.
What if the new group is unkind to someone else?
Help your child find company where they can make choices they feel comfortable with. Tell an adult about bullying or pressure to do something harmful. Help them find another person or group to spend time with.
When is more support useful?
If loneliness or difficulty participating keeps interfering with daily life, involve school staff and consider advice from a child health professional. Bring specific examples and ask what support would fit. Do not assume a child needs more lessons simply because they prefer a small social circle.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
- 6–8
- You will usually arrange the setting and contact with caregivers. Give the children an activity they both understand and stay available for help. Practice the invitation, then let them enjoy playing.
- “Want to make one with me?”
- 9–11
- Help your child follow up after a good exchange at school or a club. Discuss what they can offer realistically and how to accept a different plan. Friends can have separate interests and other friendships.
- “Should we do this again next week?”
- 12–14
- Let your child help choose the setting and how invitations happen. Respect their privacy while keeping age-suitable rules for online contact, travel, and supervision. Ask whether they can be themselves with the group and whether support goes both ways.
- “Do you want to hang out after the club?”
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | You will usually arrange the setting and contact with caregivers. Give the children an activity they both understand and stay available for help. Practice the invitation, then let them enjoy playing. | “Want to make one with me?” |
| 9–11 | Help your child follow up after a good exchange at school or a club. Discuss what they can offer realistically and how to accept a different plan. Friends can have separate interests and other friendships. | “Should we do this again next week?” |
| 12–14 | Let your child help choose the setting and how invitations happen. Respect their privacy while keeping age-suitable rules for online contact, travel, and supervision. Ask whether they can be themselves with the group and whether support goes both ways. | “Do you want to hang out after the club?” |
Key terms
- Acquaintance
- Someone you recognize or sometimes spend time with.
- Shared interest
- Something both people enjoy that can give them a reason to spend time together.
- Mutual interest
- Both people taking an interest and sometimes making plans.
- Follow-up
- A small next contact after meeting, such as planning to sit together at the next session.
Questions parents ask
How do kids make friends step by step?
Find a shared activity, make a small invitation, and notice whether both children enjoy the contact. If they do, suggest another small meeting. There is no fixed number of conversations that turns an acquaintance into a friend.
What do I say when my child wants a best friend immediately?
Acknowledge the wish for someone close. Then ask who feels comfortable to be around and what they might enjoy doing together. A friendship can grow through spending time together.
Does my child need lots of friends?
Ask whether they feel connected and have company they enjoy. A small circle may suit them. Ask whether your child feels lonely or unhappy in the friendships they have.
What do I say if my child changes interests to fit in?
Ask which new interests they genuinely enjoy and which feel like a price of admission. Trying something new is fine. They should not need to hide everything they like or participate in cruelty to stay included.
Should I arrange a club every day?
Choose activities your child actually wants and leave room for rest and family life. A crowded schedule does not ensure close relationships. Repeated comfortable contact can be easier to sustain than many unrelated introductions.
Can online friends count as friends?
Children can experience real connection online, but adults need to check age rules, privacy, and who they are interacting with. Keep opportunities for safe in-person contact too. Show unwanted requests or pressure to an adult.
Related
Sources
- Child Mind Institute — Kids Who Need a Little Help to Make Friends (2026): Children can benefit from comfortable social opportunities; parents need not make popularity the goal.
- Child Mind Institute — How to Help Kids Who Are Lonely (2026): A child's interests and the social setting both matter when looking for opportunities to connect.