“My child keeps lying”: what to say when they lie to avoid trouble
Life Scenario team · Published · Ages 6–14
What should I do when my child keeps lying to avoid getting in trouble?
Stop asking questions you already know the answer to. Say what you see (“The homework isn't done”), offer a way back (“Do you want to try that answer again?”), and make the truth cost less than the lie. Handle the lie and the original mistake separately, and never call your child a liar.
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Key takeaways
- School-age children often lie to avoid trouble or a parent's disappointment. It is a way of protecting themselves, and it can be changed.
- A question you already know the answer to is an invitation to lie. Make a statement instead.
- Give a second chance at the answer. A child who has blurted out “no” needs a way to take it back.
- Telling the truth should lead to less trouble than lying, every time, or there is no reason to do it.
- Do not call your child a liar. Children who believe they are liars keep lying.
Why do children lie to get out of trouble?
Because it works, at least some of the time. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes the usual school-age lie plainly: the child has done something wrong and is afraid of a parent's disappointment or punishment. Raising Children Network, the Australian parenting site, puts covering something up to avoid trouble first in its list of reasons children lie.
The lie is often instant. A parent asks “Did you hit your brother?” in a sharp voice, and “No” is out before the child has thought at all. Then they are stuck with it. Some of what looks like stubborn lying is a child defending a first answer they wish they had not given.
There is some evidence that fear makes this worse. In a 2015 study of 372 children aged 4 to 8, the researchers Talwar, Arruda and Yachison found that an appeal to honesty worked better when the child did not expect to be punished. Children who were told the adult would be pleased to hear the truth told it more often. Expecting punishment pulled the other way.
5 things your child can say instead of lying
1.“I haven't done it yet.”
For homework, chores and teeth. It is the honest answer to most everyday checks, and it lets you move straight to getting the thing done.
2.“Can I start that answer again?”
For the moment after a lie has slipped out. It gives a child a way to correct themselves without a confession scene, which is what keeps most children stuck.
3.“I did it. I'm sorry.”
The short version of owning up. Rehearse it on small things, like a spilled drink, so that the words exist before something bigger happens.
4.“I was scared you'd be mad.”
For explaining a lie afterward. It tells you the real reason, and it is your cue to make sure the truth gets a calmer reception next time.
5.“I broke it. Can I help fix it?”
For accidents. Pairing the admission with an offer to repair gives the child something to do, which makes the truth easier to say.
Owning up is easy to agree with and hard to do when nobody has noticed yet. In Life Scenario your child hears a moment like this one: you borrowed a toy at a friend's house and broke a piece off it by accident, and your friend hasn't seen. They answer in their own words, get gentle feedback and can try again. About this practice scenario
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What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
| “Did you finish your homework?” (when you can see they have not) | “The worksheet is still blank. Let's see what's left.” | A question you know the answer to tests the child and tempts a lie. A statement skips the test and goes to the task. |
| “You're lying. You always lie.” | “That doesn't match what I saw. Want to try again?” | A label becomes something to live up to. Describing the mismatch leaves room to correct it. |
| “Tell me the truth right now or it'll be worse.” | “I'll come back in ten minutes. Think about your answer.” | Pressure in the moment hardens a first answer. A short gap gives the child time to back down. |
| “If you'd just told me, I wouldn't be angry.” (said angrily) | “Thank you for telling me. Now let's sort out the window.” | Children judge by what happens. If the truth is met with shouting, they will not risk it again. |
| “How can I ever trust you again?” | “I'll check the homework this week. Next week we'll see.” | A child cannot repair “ever”. A named check for a named time is something they can earn their way out of. |
What do I say when I already know the truth?
Say it. The Child Mind Institute's advice is direct: instead of asking whether the homework is done, say “I know you didn't do it. Let's talk about why.” Raising Children Network gives the same advice with spilled milk. “I see there's been an accident with the milk. Let's clean it up” leaves the child nothing to deny.
If the lie is already out, offer a truth check. The Child Mind Institute describes it this way: tell the child you are going to walk away for ten minutes and then ask again. No threat, no speech. The gap gives a child room to change their answer once the heat has gone out of the moment.
Then keep two things apart. Raising Children Network suggests dealing separately with the lying and with the behavior that led to it. The broken window still has to be paid for or helped with. The lie gets its own, smaller consequence, or simply a clear statement that lying is not okay in your family. If your child owned up, say so first: “I'm glad you told me.”
Ask what they were avoiding. A child who lies about homework every night may be stuck on the work and embarrassed to say so. In that case the fix is help with the work and practice at asking the teacher for help. There is a separate guide for the specific case where a child broke something and lied about it.
How do I make telling the truth easier?
Make the deal explicit. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests telling a child in so many words that they will be in much less trouble if they tell the truth than if they lie. Then keep the deal, including on the day when the truth is worse than you expected.
Notice honesty when it costs them something. “You could have said the dog did it, and you told me. That was hard.” Both Raising Children Network and the Child Mind Institute recommend praising a child for owning up.
Look at your own small lies. Children hear “tell them I'm not home” and “say you're eleven so it's cheaper”. The Academy's guidance is that a parent's own truthfulness is among the most important ways to teach honesty, and that white lies from adults send a confusing signal.
Lower the temperature of everyday checks. If every evening includes five questions designed to catch your child out, lying becomes a habit on both sides. Check what you need to check by looking, and ask real questions the rest of the time. A child who lies less still may be one who blames everyone else, which is a neighboring habit with its own guide.
When a lie is covering for someone else
Some lies protect a friend or a sibling, and some hide something that was done to your child. If your child is keeping quiet for a friend, the useful conversation is about the difference between tattling and telling. If the story they are sticking to hides being picked on, drop the question of honesty for now and read what to do if your child is being bullied.
What if the lying does not stop?
What if my child sticks to the lie when I have proof?
Do not argue for a confession. State what you know, state the consequence for the original act, and move on: “The screen-time log shows two hours. So no tablet tomorrow.” You do not need them to admit it for the consequence to stand.
What if they lie about small things that do not matter?
Pointless lies are often habit or a wish to sound more interesting. Respond lightly: “Hmm, that doesn't sound quite right. Try again?” Save your serious voice for lies that affect other people or safety.
What if the lie is hiding something serious?
Children who are being bullied or hurt sometimes lie because they fear being punished or not believed. If something does not add up, say “You're not in trouble. I want to know you're safe” and listen. Take a report of harm seriously even from a child who has lied before.
When should I get professional help?
The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that a child with a history of chronic lying should be seen by a counselor or mental-health professional. Ask for help too if lying comes with stealing, aggression or a big change in mood, or if it is damaging school and friendships.
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Lies are quick and easy to spot. Keep your reaction small, state what you see and praise owning up straight away. Practice “I did it” with pretend accidents and toys. | “I did it. I'm sorry.” |
| 9–11 | Lies get more convincing, and children care more about your opinion of them. Use the truth check and keep the deal that honesty means less trouble. Ask what they were afraid would happen. | “Can I start that answer again?” |
| 12–14 | Some lying is about privacy and independence. Decide which things you need to know for safety and say so. Check those by agreement, and leave the rest alone. | “I didn't tell you because I thought you'd say no.” |
Key terms
- Self-protective lie
- A lie told to avoid punishment, blame or a parent's disappointment. It is a common kind at school age.
- Truth check
- Giving a child a few minutes alone and then asking the question again, with no penalty for changing the answer.
- Owning up
- Saying what you did before or soon after being asked, and offering to put it right.
- Separate consequences
- Treating the original mistake and the lie about it as two things, so that telling the truth always leaves the child better off.
Give your child 5 free practice scenarios
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Try one short round together. Your child hears a situation such as breaking a friend's toy before the friend has noticed, says what they would do, and gets gentle feedback with a chance to try again. You get a few prompts for a short conversation afterward.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
Why does my child lie about everything?
Usually to avoid trouble or disappointing you, sometimes to get something, to seem more interesting or from habit. Look at when the lies happen. If most come right after a sharp question, changing how you ask will reduce them.
How do I stop my child from lying?
Stop asking questions you know the answer to, give a chance to correct the answer, make honesty lead to less trouble than lying, and praise owning up. Raising Children Network notes that with steady praise for truth and consequences for lying, children lie less as they get older.
Should I punish my child for lying?
Use a calm, small consequence for the lie and a separate one for what they did. The American Academy of Pediatrics says harsh punishment is usually not very effective, and that parents who overreact can push a child into lying again to protect themselves. If they told the truth, even late, make sure they end up better off than if they had kept lying.
What do I say when my child lies to my face?
“That doesn't match what I saw. I'm going to give you ten minutes, and then I'll ask again.” Walk away. When you come back, accept a changed answer without a lecture and deal with the original problem.
Is it normal for a 7-year-old to lie?
Yes. Raising Children Network says children may start lying around age 2 to 3 and lie more between 4 and 6, and that lies become more complicated as children grow. Regular, serious lying that does not respond to a calm approach is worth raising with a professional.
What do I say when my child finally admits it?
Start with thanks: “Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard.” Then deal with what happened. If the first thing a confession gets is anger, your child learns to stop confessing.
When is lying a sign of a bigger problem?
When it is constant, when it comes with stealing or hurting others, or when your child does not seem bothered by it. A child may also lie to hide bullying or harm. In those cases speak to your child's doctor, a counselor or the school.
Sources
- Child Mind Institute — Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It (accessed 2026): Parents are advised to state what they know instead of asking a question that invites a lie, to offer a truth check by walking away for ten minutes and asking again, to avoid calling a child a liar, and to praise truth-telling.
- Raising Children Network (Australia) — Children & lying: why do kids lie & what to do about it (2025): Children may lie to cover something up so they do not get into trouble; parents can avoid situations that invite a lie, praise owning up, deal separately with the lying and the behavior that led to it, and avoid calling the child a liar; children who are bullied or abused may lie because they fear punishment.
- American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org — When Children Lie: What Parents Can Do (2025): School-age children often lie when they have done something wrong and fear disappointment or punishment; parents can tell children they will be in much less trouble if they tell the truth, model honesty themselves, and seek professional help for chronic lying.
- Journal of Experimental Child Psychology (Talwar, Arruda & Yachison) — The effects of punishment and appeals for honesty on children's truth-telling behavior (2015): In a study of 372 children aged 4–8, appeals that told children the adult would be happy if they told the truth increased truth-telling, and an internal appeal was more effective when children did not expect punishment.
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