Size of the problem at home: a parent’s guide with 20 practice scenarios (ages 6–14)
Life Scenario team · Updated · Ages 6–14
What is the size of the problem, and how do I use it at home?
Size of the problem, from Michelle Garcia Winner’s Social Thinking curriculum, sorts problems into small (fix it yourself), medium (ask for help) and big (get an adult now) so the reaction fits. At home, practise on calm days with three lines: “I can fix it,” “Can you help me?”, “I need a grown-up now.”
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Key takeaways
- Size of the problem sorts upsets into small (I can fix it), medium (I need some help) and big (I need an adult now), and asks whether the reaction fits.
- The size describes the problem. A small problem can still bring a big feeling, and that feeling is allowed.
- Practise sizing on calm days with made-up situations. Nobody can sort a problem while they are screaming about it.
- Watch for the opposite pattern too: a child who calls a big problem small so they don’t bother anyone.
- Use the same three lines every time so they become automatic: “I can fix this,” “Can you help me?”, “I need a grown-up now.”
What does “size of the problem” mean?
Size of the problem is a simple idea many schools use in social and emotional learning lessons. Your child learns to sort problems into three sizes. A small problem is one they can sort out themselves, like a broken pencil. A medium problem needs some help, often from an adult, like losing homework. A big problem is serious or out of their control, like someone being hurt, and needs an adult straight away.
The second half of the idea is the reaction. A small problem gets a small reaction: a sigh, a fix, moving on. A big problem gets a big one: getting help fast. Raising Children Network lists feelings that are “out of proportion” to the situation as one sign a child may need help managing emotions, and sizing the problem gives children a way to notice that for themselves.
Schools often use a chart or a 1 to 10 scale. At home, the three sizes, the three lines and some low-stakes practice are enough; the 20 situations below give you material. Three of them also have a page of example replies by age: an embarrassing slip in front of the class, breaking a friend’s toy and not making the team.
As a named lesson, “size of the problem” comes from the Social Thinking methodology developed by Michelle Garcia Winner; it appears in her 2008 curriculum Think Social!. Social Thinking’s own writers note that visual scales for problems go back further, to a “problem thermometer” from the late 1970s. This page is our own plain-language version for home and is not affiliated with Social Thinking.
Sizing answers “how big is this?”. The neighbouring question, “do I need to tell an adult?”, is covered in the guide to tattling vs. telling. One of the big problems below, a stranger online asking where your child lives, has a full guide of its own.
4 things your child can say to size up a problem
1.“Is this a small, medium or big problem?”
The question itself, asked once the first wave of upset has passed. Asking it out loud slows things down enough for your child to think instead of only react.
2.“It’s a small one. I can fix it.”
For problems your child can solve alone in a few minutes. Saying “I can fix it” turns the upset into a next step, like finding another pencil.
3.“It’s medium. Can you help me?”
For problems that need some help but aren’t urgent. It teaches your child that asking for help is a normal, calm thing to do.
4.“It’s big. I need a grown-up now.”
For anything unsafe, frightening or out of your child’s control. Practising this line on calm days means it comes out fast when it matters.
7 small problems to practise
1.“Small one. I’ll get another pencil.”
Situation 1: your child’s pencil breaks in the middle of a test or homework. A fix is within reach in under a minute.
2.“Small. It’s still juice.”
Situation 2: they get the blue cup instead of the red one at breakfast. The disappointment is real, and the problem is tiny.
3.“Small. I’ll wear my uniform and join in.”
Situation 3: they forgot it was pyjama day and everyone else is in bright colours. Embarrassing for a morning, and forgotten by lunchtime.
4.“Small. Rematch after dinner?”
Situation 4: they lose a card game to a sibling. Losing stings, and there will be another game in an hour.
5.“Small. Can we swap seats later?”
Situation 5: a sibling takes their favourite spot on the sofa. Easy to solve with a turn-taking idea instead of a fight.
6.“Small. I’ll clean it up.”
Situation 6: they spill a drink on the table. A cloth fixes it, and nobody is hurt.
7.“Small. I’ll play with someone else today.”
Situation 7: their friend is playing with another child at recess or playtime. There are other people to play with, and the friend will likely be back tomorrow.
7 medium problems to practise
1.“Medium. Can you help me tell the teacher?”
Situation 8: they left their homework at home and it is due today. It needs an adult to know, and it can be sorted out.
2.“Medium. I need help to say sorry.”
Situation 9: they broke something that belongs to a friend. It matters to someone else, so it needs an adult and an apology.
3.“Medium. Can we talk about it tonight?”
Situation 10: a friend said something mean that is still stinging at home time. Worth a proper conversation this evening.
4.“Medium. I need help finding it.”
Situation 11: they lost their jacket, water bottle or phone at school. An adult can help check lost property or call someone.
5.“Medium. I’m really disappointed. Can we talk?”
Situation 12: they didn’t make the team or get the part they wanted. A big feeling, and a problem that needs comfort and a plan more than a fix.
6.“Medium. Can you help me understand this?”
Situation 13: they got a much lower grade than expected. Worth looking at with an adult; it won’t be solved by hiding the paper.
7.“Medium. We’ve been fighting for days.”
Situation 14: they’ve fallen out with their best friend and it hasn’t blown over. It needs help working out what to say next.
Sizing a problem on the sofa is much easier than sizing it the moment the pencil snaps, so practise that kind of moment with your child, using situations like the ones below.
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6 big problems to practise
1.“Big. Someone’s hurt. I need a grown-up now.”
Situation 15: a friend falls off the climbing frame and can’t get up. Your child’s job is to get an adult straight away.
2.“Big. I can’t find my mum or dad.”
Situation 16: they are separated from you in a busy shop or park. They go to a staff member or a parent with children and say this line.
3.“Big. Someone online asked where I live.”
Situation 17: a stranger in a game or chat asks for their address, school or photos. They stop replying and tell you immediately.
4.“Big. Someone is hurting me.”
Situation 18: another child or an adult is hurting, threatening or scaring them. This is always a big problem and always gets told to a trusted adult, however small the other person makes it sound.
5.“Big. I smell smoke.”
Situation 19: they notice smoke, a fire alarm, or something else dangerous at home or school. Get out if needed and tell an adult at once.
6.“Big. My friend said they want to hurt themselves.”
Situation 20: a friend says something that worries them about the friend’s safety. Even if the friend asks for secrecy, this is told to a trusted adult straight away.
What not to say (and what to say instead)
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
“That’s a tiny problem, stop crying.” | “That’s a small problem with a big feeling. Let’s fix the problem.” | It accepts the feeling and still points at the size of the problem. |
“You’re overreacting.” | “What size is this one?” | A question lets your child do the sizing, which is the skill you want them to learn. |
“It’s not a big deal.” | “I can see it feels big. What would fix it?” | Telling a child how big their problem is invites an argument; asking about the fix moves things on. |
Your child: “This is the worst day of my life!” | Your child: “This is a medium one. I need help.” | Naming the size gives a next step; the dramatic line only adds heat. |
What do I say when my child reacts like a small problem is a disaster?
Wait for the first wave to pass. Raising Children Network’s calming-down steps start with naming the emotion and connecting it to the event (“You’re really cross that the pencil broke”), then pausing and saying nothing for a few seconds. Sizing only works once your child can think again. If that first wave is the main difficulty most days, start with the guide for a child who gets angry easily.
Then ask the question: “What size is this one?” Accept their answer at first, even if it seems too big, and ask what would fix it. Often the fix itself shows the size: if they can do it alone in a minute, it was small. If the problem is out of their control, the circle of control helps them find the part they can act on.
On a calm day, play the sizing game: read out a situation from the list above and let your child sort it and say the line. Mix in silly ones (“A dinosaur ate your sandwich”) so it stays a game.
What if sizing doesn’t fit my child?
What if my child calls a big problem small?
Some children, often the eager-to-please ones, shrink problems so they don’t cause trouble. Tell them clearly: being hurt, scared, or told to keep a secret is always big, and they will never be in trouble for telling you.
What if the chart makes my child feel dismissed?
Some children hear “small problem” as “your feelings don’t count”. Separate the two out loud: “The problem is small. The feeling is big, and that’s OK.” If sizing still upsets them, drop the chart and just use the three lines.
When should I get help?
If strong feelings are often out of proportion, last a long time, or swing from calm to intense very quickly, talk to your child’s doctor or the school counsellor. If your child or a friend mentions wanting to hurt themselves, stay with them and get help today: call your local emergency number if anyone is in immediate danger. In the US you can call or text 988; children can also contact Childline (UK), Kids Helpline (Australia) or Kids Help Phone (Canada).
What to say at 6–8, 9–11 and 12–14
| Age | What changes | Line to try |
|---|---|---|
| 6–8 | Use three sizes only, with hand signals: pinched fingers for small, a gap for medium, arms wide for big. Practise with toys and silly situations. Most schools teach it around this age, so ask the teacher what words they use. | “Small one. I can fix it.” |
| 9–11 | Friendship and school problems get more complicated, and many sit in the middle. Let your child argue for a size and explain why. Add online situations, from mean messages in the group chat to strangers in games. | “This is medium. Can you help me?” |
| 12–14 | The chart can feel babyish now. Keep the idea and drop the name: “On a scale of one to ten, how big is this?” Talk about problems that feel huge socially but are fixable, and about which ones need an adult no matter how old they are. | “It’s about a four. I’ve got it.” |
Key terms
- Small problem
- A problem a child can solve alone, quickly, with a small reaction: a broken pencil, a spilled drink, a lost card game.
- Medium problem
- A problem that needs some help, often from an adult, but isn’t an emergency: lost homework, a falling-out with a friend.
- Big problem
- Something unsafe, frightening or out of a child’s control that needs an adult straight away: someone hurt, a stranger asking for personal details, a fire.
Give your child 10 free practice scenarios
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Sizing a problem gets easier with practice. Your child hears everyday situations, like realising they forgot pyjama day when everyone else is in bright colours, and answers aloud. Gentle feedback follows, and you can use it to ask “Was that a big problem or a small one?” afterwards.
Start practising freeQuestions parents ask
What is the size of the problem for kids?
A way of sorting problems into small (I can fix it), medium (I need some help) and big (I need an adult now), then matching the reaction to the size. Many schools teach it as part of social and emotional learning.
What are examples of small, medium and big problems?
Small: a broken pencil, a spilled drink, losing a card game. Medium: forgetting homework, breaking a friend’s toy, a falling-out that lasts days. Big: someone hurt, being lost, a stranger asking for personal information, anything unsafe.
How do I teach size of the problem at home?
Use three sizes and three lines, and practise on calm days with made-up situations. When a real problem happens, wait until your child is calmer, then ask “What size is this one?”
What do I say when my child overreacts to small problems?
Name the feeling first, pause, then ask what size the problem is and what would fix it. Save the practice for calm moments; nobody learns a new skill mid-meltdown.
Who created size of the problem?
The named lesson comes from the Social Thinking methodology developed by Michelle Garcia Winner, and appears in her 2008 curriculum Think Social!. Rating problems on a visual scale is older: Social Thinking’s own article traces it to a “problem thermometer” from the late 1970s. Many schools now teach the idea in their own words.
What age is size of the problem for?
It works from about 6 to 14 if you adapt it. At 6–8, use three sizes with hand signals. At 9–11, let your child argue for a size and explain why. At 12–14, drop the chart and ask “On a scale of one to ten, how big is this?”
What if my child says every problem is big?
Accept the answer at first and ask what would fix it. If the fix takes them a minute on their own, the problem was small, and you can say so afterwards: “The problem was small. The feeling was big, and that’s OK.” Keep practising with made-up situations on calm days.
Sources
- Social Thinking (Think Social Publishing), Teaching the Size of the Problem in a Manner Friendly to All Neurotypes (accessed 2026): Describes size of the problem as part of the Social Thinking Methodology: small problems can often be solved on our own in a short time, medium problems need help from others and take longer, big problems need the help of several others. Says educators and therapists have written about problem size for years and that the first problem thermometer was developed in the late 1970s.
- Association for Science in Autism Treatment, Zones of Regulation: Is There Science Behind That? (2024): Cites “Size of the Problem (Garcia Winner, 2008)” as a lesson of the Social Thinking methodology and lists Garcia Winner’s 2008 curriculum, Think Social! A Social Thinking Curriculum for School-Age Students, in its references.
- Raising Children Network (Australia), Understanding emotions: children & teens (2024): Lists signs a child may need help managing emotions, including very strong emotions that are out of proportion to the problem or situation, emotions that last a long time, and going from calm to intense very quickly; suggests starting with the GP if more help is needed.
- Raising Children Network (Australia), Calming down for children: how to help (2024): Sets out five steps for helping a child calm down: notice the emotion, name it and connect it to the event, pause and say nothing, support the child while they calm down, then address the problem once they are calm.
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